You and I Are Just Walking Disasters
by KeepCalmLoveSeverus
Summary: Obligatory college!AU. Sort of. Harry Hart is a police detective, Eggsy is a uni student, and Roxy is a shameless flirt. Hartwin, Roxlin, non-canon compliant. T for language
1. In Which Harry Hart has a Cold and Eggsy

I.

 _End of term._ It was always the most stressful time for any student, whether they were like Roxy and studied every day (more like five times a day), or like Eggsy, who only studied when his grades dropped below a 2:2, or his mum called him up and guilted him into it.

Eggsy _hated_ studying. He made a point to take classes he was pretty sure he could pass without too much of it, actually, but exam time couldn't be avoided with easy classes. Every professor was required to set an exam for the written material they had covered over the term, and so Eggsy was scrambling (like always) to find notes that seemed to have gained sentience and walked all over the flat he shared with Roxy, his sister. Some had even made it to her underwear drawer, of all places.

It could have been awkward for Eggsy to be rummaging around in his sister's underwear drawer for his wayward schoolwork, moreso if one considered that they weren't blood related, since Eggsy and Rox had both been adopted. However, Eggsy was more into blokes than birds and was quite unimpressed by the lacy thongs he encountered while retrieving said homework, having seen them more often than not as Roxy wandered around their flat.

He merely collected his papers and made a mental note to tell her that she needed to upsize her bras.

* * *

It was the first day of the last week of revision before finals, and Eggsy had finally tracked down all his notes, including the ones hiding in Roxy's drawers, compiled them by subject and importance (well, Roxy had helped with most of that), and was ready to sit down and study until his eyes bled. There was only one problem: the walls in their flat were paper thin, and the bloke next door was making hacking sounds that indicated he was about five seconds from dying. Eggsy managed to ignore it for a while, but after about half an hour, he'd had enough. Thin walls might have been a side effect of him and Roxy refusing to let their parents buy them a house in this part of the country while they were at university (dead serious, that was the sort of people their parents were; rich without being snobbish and incredibly generous), but that didn't mean he was going to let said walls and plague keep him from studying.

Tossing his notes down in defeat, Eggsy stood up and went to rummage through the cabinets in their small, but serviceable, kitchen. Thankfully, it had been Roxy's week to shop; Eggsy always forgot he didn't have to worry about money anymore and usually never bought enough food to actually last the week. A side effect of spending his formative years hungry more often than not, he knew. Their mum and dad had tried to teach him he didn't have to be afraid to ask for more food when he was hungry, but he still had a tendency to buy only the bare necessities. It drove Rox mad. Ten minutes (and two fights with the can opener and microwave) later, Eggsy was carrying a steaming bowl of chicken noodle soup out of his apartment, along with some cough drops and Lemsip. He wouldn't normally have been so generous, but he just wanted to study in peace. He may not have ever expected he would make it to university when he was younger, but he wasn't going to let that keep him from making the most of the opportunities he had been given.

The lights flickered in the cheaply wallpapered hallway as he walked over to the neighbour's equally shabby, dingy paint covered door. It really wasn't too bad of a place to live (Roxy would never have agreed to a council run slum, or anything near it), but the landlord didn't really care much about maintaining the common areas - he was quick enough, of course, to fix any problems they had in the actual flat, which was all Eggsy and Roxy really cared about anyway. "Oi," he shouted as he knocked. "Yer coughin' is drivin' me barmy. Come out 'ere!"

It was a few moments before he heard shuffling behind the door. When it clicked open, an older gent was on the other side. Well, not too old, but older than the college ages of Eggsy and his sister. A distinguished age, like he had a proper career that his cold was making him miss. And even in a ratty old bathrobe and house slippers that had seen better days, he wasn't too bad looking. His nose was red from blowing it so much, but that just made him look adorably pathetic. He had hair that was barely salted with grey, and just a few laugh lines starting on his face.

 _It's nice_ , Eggsy thought. He was a nice looking bloke.

A nice looking bloke with a posh accent, Eggsy registered when the man finally spoke. "What on earth is all this?" asked the gent, looking at the items in Eggsy's arms as though they were foreign objects.

Suddenly feeling sheepish, Eggsy shrugged into one shoulder. "Just some stuff fer your cold. I'm tryin' ta study fer finals and ye're making it a bit hard ta concentrate."

Eggsy discovered long ago that attempts to emulate Roxy's upper class articulation just made him seem even more pathetic, but now he sort of wished that he'd put more effort into it. He was sure the bloke in front of him thought he was just a piece of trash, like most everyone else assumed when they heard him speak; it had never bothered him quite as much, though, until now. _Probably just cuz I'll end up wanking over him later,_ thought Eggsy. _And that'll be the end of it._

He hoped.

The gent looked at him suspiciously for a few seconds before the moment was broken by another coughing jag. When he was done, he looked even more miserable than before, clutching his chest delicately, and took the steaming soup and other items from Eggsy with no more fuss. "Thank you," he nodded, looking a bit sheepish himself. "I'll admit, this cold took me a bit by surprise, or I would have been better supplied myself. I apologize for the disturbance."

"No problem, guv," Eggsy answered, giving a little salute. "Just try ta get better, yeah? Me mum'll _skin_ me if I fail." With a wink, Eggsy turned his back on the gent and crossed to his own flat.

There was no more coughing after that, which Eggsy and his studying both appreciated immensely.

* * *

A few days later the bowl was left clean in front of the door, with no note or anything. Eggsy tried to tell himself he wasn't mildly disappointed.


	2. In Which Roxy (sort of) Has her Heart Br

II.

Roxy hadn't stopped crying for three days.

Eggsy might have been a pouf, but he had no bloody idea what to do with a woman who was crying because a bloke had broken up with her. Was he going to make it worse by existing in her general area with a penis? Was he supposed to be the supportive gay best friend who trash talked the person shamelessly? He didn't know, but listening to her sniffle and play Taylor Swift's latest album on repeat was just making him more and more scared for Roxy's sanity.

So he did what any sane lad would do: googled ways to comfort a bird after a breakup. Google suggested ice cream, which sounded like a fine idea to Eggsy, and there was a Tesco just a quick walk from their flat, and he knew her favorite flavor (B&J's Phish food, for anyone curious about appeasing the wrath of a Roxy) was sold there. That was how he found himself walking there at half past midnight; the things he did for his sister, and himself. After all, if she had decided to hate the whole gender, Eggsy was part of the demographic.

The walk wasn't bad, it being an almost balmy night, and Eggsy began contemplating unpacking his summer clothes soon; the spring semester had just ended, but summer had yet to really dig its teeth into their part of England. Eggsy figured they had another few weeks before it got obnoxiously hot and Roxy insisted on spending every day at the pool.

She did love her summer tan.

It wasn't his first midnight Tesco run, so he was greeted as a regular by one of the night cashiers, who popped her gum like usual. She looked so bored a flying pig wouldn't be enough to entertain her. "Hey, Eggs, whatcha doin' here so late _this_ time?"

Grimacing, Eggsy replied, "Rox's latest fling broke up wiv 'er. I'm 'ere fer ice cream."

The cashier laughed sympathetically, then advised him, "You better get there quick. Our delivery trucks are late this week, I dunno what all's left back there." She rustled the pages on her magazine, obviously thinking the conversation was done with.

"Fanks, Max," Eggsy nodded, taking the hint and heading to the proper aisle. He had no idea what he'd do if they were out of Roxy's fave; maybe chuck marshmallows at her from behind a pillow shield and see if she could be _teased_ out of her bad mood.

For some reason, he doubted that would work.

There was one other person in the ice cream aisle, but Eggsy didn't pay him any attention. He made a beeline for where the Phish Food was kept and gloated as he realized he was about to get the last tub. "Ha!" he cheered, which, unfortunately, gave the other bloke time to come closer and realize what tub Eggsy was looking at.

They looked at each other, then the ice cream, then back at each other again. About the time Eggsy recognized his neighbour, the posh, gorgeous one with the hacking cough that had nearly made him bomb his finals, the man said, "I suppose I owe you for the soup. And if my presumption is right, it's for your crying friend?"

Eggsy looked at him blankly for a moment, then flushed and rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly, nodding. He'd forgotten that thin walls worked both ways. "Yeah, sorry, gov. 'Er latest boy broke up wiv 'er and she ain't takin' it too well."

The man nodded sagely. "I understand completely. I've had a few broken hearts in my own time - if it's not too forward, I would also suggest getting chocolate sauce. Chocolate mends any broken heart."

"Err, cheers, mate. 'Preciate it." Eggsy was an awkward turtle around attractive men, so sue him! He obviously didn't have a chance with the man, but that didn't have to mean he couldn't fantasize about it.

As he turned to walk up to checkout, completely forgetting the man's suggestion of chocolate sauce, the gentleman turned with him, and asked, "So, how did you end up doing on your finals?" Eggsy blanked for a moment, wondering why on earth this posh bloke was interested in trash like him. His face must have shown some sort of emotion, because the man seemed embarrassed as he added, "Sorry, old habit from the police force. I didn't mean to pry."

"No, it's fine!" Eggsy denied, waving an arm. "Me brain's jus' still a bit fried. And I ain't been sleepin', obvs. I did good, fanks for askin'. Could 'ave done better, but me parents know I ain't as smart as Rox."

The gent opened his mouth, eyebrows wrinkling together like he had something argumentative to say, but thankfully they had reached checkout by then. The cashier smiled at the both of them, though she arched a more appreciative eyebrow at the gentleman. "I see you got your treat, Eggsy. And what abou' you, sir? Didn't find nuffink you liked?" She twirled her hair to try engaging his attention. Eggsy rolled his eyes, something unidentifiable churning in his stomach at her obvious flirting. Maybe it was just embarrassment for the girl, what with how obnoxiously obvious she was being.

"C'mon, Max, before me ice melts and me sis completely dehydrates 'erself bawlin'," he cut in, only feeling a little bad when she shot him a dirty glare. Peeking out of the corner of his eye, Eggsy saw the amusement on the gent's face. He totally knew what she was getting at, and probably wasn't interested.

She was too young, probably. Eggsy wasn't disappointed at that thought, no sirree, he wasn't, even though he was the same age as her.

Really.

In silent agreement, they walked back to the complex together in companionable silence, until the gent asked, "Is Eggsy your _real_ name?" It threw Eggsy for a loop, given that he'd kind of expected the man to pick back up where he'd left off in the store.

"Ah, no," he admitted after a moment, rubbing the back of his neck again. "It's a nickname me ol' mates gave me, 'fore Rox's parents adopted me." He never really talked about being adopted all that much. Didn't know why he was talking about it with someone who was practically a stranger, either. Changing the subject, he asked, "And 'ow 'bout you? Ya said ya was a copper? Wha', some sort o' detective, I bet."

"Something like that, yes," said the older man, obviously uncomfortable with talking about it. Luckily, they had reached their floor. "Well, this is me. I hope everything goes well with your sister." And without further ado, he slid his key into its lock and was gone. The sudden change in the atmosphere left Eggsy confused, and a little cold. Not like he was expecting anything extra friendly, but that was almost rude.

It was only then that Eggsy realized he still didn't know the bloke's name.

However, duty called, and Eggsy set about comforting Roxy, resolving to forget all about the mysterious copper. After all, it was unlikely they would run into each other again, aside from passing in the halls. It took longer than he would have liked, but eventually he was able to convince Roxy to come out from under her duvet, sniffling and puffy eyed; holding the tub and a spoon out to her with one hand, he rubbed her back gently with the other. "C'mon, Rox, you knew 'e wasn't worf it. Now tell me all 'bout 'ow shit 'e was in bed, ya know ye like doin' tha'." And so they settled in for the night, and Eggsy even managed to coax a weak laugh out of her before they passed out.

* * *

 **Comments and favorites appreciated! This is crossposted over at AO3 in the kingsman_bang community, so you may prefer to read it over there if FFNet messes up the formatting. Again.**


	3. In Which Roxy and Eggsy Get Hammered and

III.

To be fair, the third time Eggsy met his mysterious, gorgeous neighbour, it wasn't Eggsy's behaviour that was embarrassing at all.

Well, mostly. He wasn't as drunk as Roxy, was his point.

The reason Roxy was drunk, the reason Eggsy could never have a normal interaction with the hot boy next door, was actually a celebration. Nobody had died or flunked out of uni - they had gotten their final exam grades back and neither of them had failed (Eggsy by a slimmer margin of error than Roxy, family genius, of course) - and Roxy had solemnly sworn off people who, quote, "Don't know how to appreciate a proper lady. I need someone distinguished. Someone mature. Someone who knows what they want in life. No more fucking about with frat boys and girls who only care about drinking and getting their rocks off," unquote.

This was something Eggsy approved of but had a hard time believing, what with her track record of less-than-mature guys and gals, until he saw it. Roxy was a brilliant lass, she really was, and it pissed him off something fierce to see her waste her time with so many people who couldn't appreciate her for more than a nice piece of tail.

* * *

"Would you two be totally averse to having a baby sister?"

Eggsy and Roxy got a call from their mum, Stella. She'd hadn't ever been able to get pregnant, for some complicated science mumbo-jumbo reason, so the two of them knew she wasn't pregnant now.

Logic dictated she was talking about adopting again.

Roxy and Eggsy, both knowing how much better their lives had become after Stella had taken them in, were immediately ecstatic and asked how long she and Richard had been contemplating this. "Not long," she said, sounding a bit cheeky. "We've been on a list for the agencies in China since shortly after Eggsy settled in. Richard and I have booked the plane tickets already."

What she didn't say, bless, was that Eggsy had taken quite a while to settle in. Being adopted at age nine after a year spent bouncing around foster care, he'd been more trouble than he was worth for the better part of two years, always pushing the boundaries and refusing to follow the rules. He had wanted to know where the edges of his world were, but now that he was older, thinking about how much of a shit he'd been just made him cringe.

"Why have you waited so long, Mum?" Roxy wanted to know immediately. "It's been almost eight years. You and Da been enjoying the peace and quiet?" she teased.

Eggsy's only question was, "When should we expec' the new gal? When are ye flyin' out?" He usually tried to rein in his accent when speaking to his parents, but it was only mildly effective. Fortunately, they understood that they weren't the only people to raise him, and that his birth mother and her crowd had quite a lot to do with his development, but he did try to show more appreciation for them by not rubbing it in their face as much as he could. Roxy, they'd had since she was just learning to walk; ergo, no worries about her accent.

Stella answered both questions together - she had long since become accustomed to speaking with the both of them as though they were one entity, and their use of speakerphone changed nothing. "We're flying out next month, dears; we waited so long because we wanted to give you two our full attention. Now we've got a bit of an empty nest, Richard and I, and a baby is the perfect addition to the family."

Her voice was wistful, and Roxy and Eggsy gave each other A Look. They knew their mum had never really gotten over not being able to carry a pregnancy herself. She'd never made them feel like they were second best, or weren't good enough, and they had loved her as though she was their birth mum. Either way, they didn't figure it would hurt anything in their relationship with her if she got a new baby.

Anything to make their favorite human happy.

"Of course, Mum," Roxy agreed, practically squealing. "I'm looking forward to meeting the new cutie!"

Eggsy, slightly less exuberant but no less enthusiastic, dryly commented, "I'm gonna be ou'numbered by women, ain't I?"

Both Roxy and Stella laughed, knowing he was teasing.

"Richard said the exact same thing. Well, loves, I've got to run - my show is on the telly, can't miss it. I just wanted to check in and make sure this would be okay with the both of you. Love you bunches." Roxy and Eggsy responded in kind before Stella rang off, leaving them with a final kiss goodbye.

"Well," Eggsy began, but was overrun by Roxy's decree that they absolutely had to go out to celebrate. Drinking alone at home was all well and good, but it was fairly morbid, and they should be partying!

Or so she said.

* * *

That all explained how Eggsy ended up half-carrying an extremely tipsy Roxy up the three flights to their flat at half past two, listening to her moan and slur about how "Tha' bird was to'lly checkin' me out, Eggs. 'Ow coul' you do this to meeeee?"

Tone patient, if slightly breathless from practically carrying her up the stairs, he responded, " _Tha' bird_ , Rox, was another one o' them uni girls what wouldn't 'ave appreciated ya proper, like ya tol' me ye was swearin' off. So _really_ , I did ye a _favor_."

Roxy fell silent at about the same time her legs gave out, forcing Eggsy to swing her up into a bridal carry - which, honestly, made it easier to haul her up the steps, since she was no longer 'helping.'

"Yer the bes', Eggs. The bes' bruv ever!" She threw her arms around his neck, planting a smacking, wet kiss on his cheek as he rounded the corner and nearly ran into their cute mysterious neighbour- and a bald friend.

"Ack! Sorry, guvs," he smiled sheepishly, trying to step around them.

That was when the bald one put out a hand to stop him, and, pointedly suspicious, asked, "And where are you taking her?"

Before Eggsy could work up the proper righteous indignation, Roxy slurred, "He's gonna pu' me ta bed. He's my bes' mate, innee?" She smiled crookedly before letting her head loll onto Eggsy's shoulder.

Baldie pursed his lips in disgust. Eggsy narrowed a level, unimpressed glare in response. "I hope you know better than to do anything untoward to this young lady in her delicate state," he lectured, obviously thinking himself some sort of important.

Darting a glance at his copper neighbour, whose name he _still_ didn't bloody know, Eggsy found little support. He didn't know the man well enough to see the glimmer of amusement in his eyes, after all.

Rolling his eyes mentally, Eggsy pulled out his chavviest accent to reply, "Oh, nah, guv. I was on'y gon' pu' 'er in 'er flat an' see if she was up for a game o' cards. Love me a good game o' _poke 'er,_ I does."

Before Baldie could do more than swell up like some slimy toad, the neighbour stepped in, amusement plain in his tone as he said, "Calm down, Merlin, you're making an arse of yourself. That's my neighbour, and, I have to assume, his sister, Roxy? No longer heartbroken, so I see." He addressed the last bit to Eggsy, who smirked and nodded.

Looking at his sister, he jostled her awake again as he replied, "We was out celebratin' some good family news. She took the celebrate part a bi' too serious-like."

Roxy, having caught on that they were talking about her, decreed, "Eggs doesn' lurve me! 'E let that smokin' bird get away. She was mackin' on me proper good!" Eggsy shot Merlin a pointed look, to which the man had the decency to look mildly abashed, but it had the unintended side effect of drawing Roxy's attention to him as well.

"Ooooh," she chirped, leaning up to whisper in Eggsy's ear, or so she thought. Being drunk, she wasn't the best judge of her own volume. "Now tha' looks like a proper mature gent. All distinguished lookin' and such. Righ' resp'ns'ble. An' he's foxy as 'ell! Give 'im my number. Eggs, c'mon, be a dear."

"No, Rox," he responded. "Trus' me, ye'll fank me in the mornin'."

She disagreed with him, as evidenced by the long whine she let out before a sneaky look came over her face. She started digging through her purse, which Eggsy thankfully hadn't been asked to carry, and he almost worried she was about to pull out a pair of panties until she emerged with a muttered, "Aha!" and a ballpoint pen. She leaned out of Eggsy's hold far enough to reach Merlin's arm, and Eggsy wasn't quick enough to draw her back before she got the whole number on his arm - she was a right wiggly bint, that was for sure.

"I'm sorry, guv," Eggsy said immediately. He didn't feel bad for Merlin, not really, but he knew Roxy would probably be embarrassed in the morning. "She ain't usually like this."

His neighbour laughed, a full bellied production that ended with him doubling over, almost wheezing and red in the face. Eggsy didn't realize that wasn't normal till Merlin came over all concerned, asking, "Harry, are you quite all right? You haven't been overdoing it again, have you?" The silence was apparently guilty enough for the bald man. "Dammit, Hart, at this rate you'll never make it off desk duty. You know what the surgeon said!"

Suddenly feeling like he was intruding in a very private conversation, Eggsy inched his way around the pair, mumbling, "I'm just gonna - Go…" He wasn't noticed by either bloke, so he carried Roxy the rest of the way to their door as quietly as he could.

Getting her undressed and in bed proved challenging, as she passed out halfway through, but he managed it and eventually got to his own bed, exhausted from the suddenly exciting night.

But at least he had learned his neighbour's name - and he knew that the man had apparently been injured in the line of duty.

Harry Hart was getting more fascinating by the day.

* * *

 **I know I'm not leaving much time between chapter uploads (haha I'm uploading this all on the same day) but I really do want reviews and/or constructive criticism! This is my way of dipping my toes back into the fanfiction pool, and if it goes well, I'm hoping to start writing for my first love, Harry Potter, again. So, any feedback is appreciated!**


	4. In Which Roxy and Merlin Conspire (and F

IV.

The next morning found Roxy groaning with a hangover as she rolled out of bed, and Merlin looking at his arm with a detached sense of curiosity. He knew she'd been drunk, of course, but all alcohol did was lower inhibitions; it wouldn't make her act as though he was attractive if she didn't truly think so.

So, the question became: should he text her?

* * *

 **Text to Harry:** Do you think I should text her?

 **Text to Merlin:** Text whom?

 **Text to Harry:** -_- Don't fucking play dumb. I control all of your tech once you're cleared for duty.

 **Text to Merlin:** Calm down. If you're talking about the young lady from last night, that's your choice.

 **Text to Merlin:** But if you do, ask about her brother for me.

 **Text to Harry:** Someone else has a crush, eh? :)

 **Text to Harry:** Wait, isn't that the kid who yelled at you for having a cold?

 **Text to Harry:** Harry. Don't ignore me. I know where you live.

 **Text to Merlin:** Yes, fine, that's the one. He also got the last tub of ice cream the last time I went to the market. Happy?

 **Text to Harry:** Fucking ecstatic. -_-

 **Text to Harry:** Wait, what do I say? Do you think she even remembers giving me her number?

 **Text to Harry:** Harry?

 **Text to Harry:** HARRY I SWEAR ON MICROSOFT OFFICE I'LL FUCK YOU UP.

 **Text to The Cunt:** Fine. Be a cunt. That's what you're going to be in my contacts from now on.

* * *

Unknown to Merlin, Roxy was hoping he _would_ text; something Eggsy teased her about mercilessly when she told him.

She put up with it with good grace until her headache worsened, then she snapped, "Like you're any better, over there pining over the neighbour whose name you didn't even know before yesterday!"

Eggsy protested immediately, cheeks flushing slightly. "I've no idea what yer on abou', Rox."

"Sure," she smirked. "And I'm a fluffy bunny." She was distracted from the argument, though, by the distant sound of her phone going off from wherever it had ended up last night - probably in her bed somewhere. She squealed and left her brother alone in the kitchen.

* * *

 **Text to Roxy:** It would appear that Scots aren't the only ones who enjoy drinking to excess. Now the only question is how badly you're regretting it.

 **Text to Unknown:** Who dis?

 **Text to Unknown:** But yah, mass hedache

 **Text to Roxy:** 'Dis' is the gentleman whose arm you accosted last night.

 **Text to Baldie:** Its 2 early in the morn for sarcasm  & big words

 **Text to Baldie:** Also srry im a friendly drunk

 **Text to Baldie:** Eggs makes fun of me for it alot

 **Text to Roxy:** It's not a problem. I confess I was mildly flattered - I've never been drunk-flirted with by an Irishwoman before.

 **Text to Baldie:** im not real irish im adopted. Lets me hav sum bad tastes, scotsman ;)

 **Text to Baldie:** oh thank god the coffee is finaly dun brewin

 **Text to Baldie:** gimme 20 min ill make mor sense

* * *

Their texting continued for several days, and Merlin made Roxy laugh several times in that period - it had gotten to the point where Eggsy actually knew when she was texting with him, because she was almost always giggling.

"So it's goin' well then, eh?" he teased her one afternoon. "He didn't 'old ye bein' drunk over yer 'ead?"

She flushed a light pink and refused to meet his eyes. " _Not_ that it's any of your business," she sniffed, "but no, he didn't. Because he's a gentleman, unlike _you_."

"Oi!" Eggsy protested. "I can be a gent too! Jus' cause I ain't bothered bein' polite ta _you_ don't mean nothin'." He thought of his last interaction with Harry, which had basically amounted to polite nods in the hall as they passed, and smiled a bit.

"Oh, yeah?" Roxy challenged before seeing the smile. "Only when you want in their trousers, I'd bet."

"Shuddup!" he blushed to match hers, then added reluctantly, "Mebbe ya could ask yer man about 'is friend?"

"Ask me nicely and I'll consider it."

* * *

 **Text to Baldie:** My bro is an idiot. Worse than ur friend.

 **Text to Roxy:** What makes you say that?

 **Text to Baldie:** Hes pining. Over our next door nghbr. Its ridic. LIKE JUST GO TALK 2 HIM FFS

 **Text to Roxy:** Your brother is pining over Harry? Really? Harry should be pleased to hear that. He's been pestering me to ask you how he's doing.

 **Text to Baldie:** Rlly. Its rlly anoying. We need 2 get them 2gether somehow so theyll leav us alone

 **Text to Roxy:** And how would you propose we do that? Harry doesn't believe anyone that 'young and handsome' (his words not mine) could truly be attracted to a 'middle aged washed up police detective.' Again, his words.

 **Text to Baldie:** Thats not as pathetic as Eggs. He told me he doesnt think a bloke as fit  & official as ur friend could ever be interested in 'council est8 trash wiv a bad attitude'

 **Text to Roxy:** I really don't know what to do with the two of them.

 **Text to Baldie:** We could do a dub d8? Or set them up on a blind d8? Idk man. Im more interested in seeing u again honestly ;)

 **Text to Roxy:** Well I can assure you that the sentiment is mutual. Unfortunately a rather large case just came in and I'll be working overtime until it's solved - cyber crimes are on the rise here in good old London.

 **Text to Baldie:** :( I guess u wont get to see the new outfit I bought then. U wouldve liked it. ;)

 **Text to Roxy:** Is the outfit going somewhere for some reason?

 **Text to Baldie:** Just my floor. I was hoping u would be avail. for dinner but o well

 **Text to Baldie:** [Photo Message]

 **Text to Roxy:** You're a tease, Roxy Morton, and I'll be distracted for the rest of the night because of you.

 **Text to Baldie:** U complaining?

 **Text to Baldie:** Cuz I can go. Leave u 2 ur work and all.

 **Text to Roxy:** Please don't - I enjoy speaking with you.

 **Text to Roxy:** If I get some free time, may I call you this evening?

 **Text to Baldie:** Ur being very formal. Its cute.

 **Text to Baldie:** Of fucking course u can call me

 **Text to Baldie:** We can hav phone sex ;)

 _ **...**_

 **Text to Baldie:** Or not, nvm

 **Text to Baldie:** Sorry. Moving 2 fast?

 _ **...**_

* * *

"He hates me," she moaned over a cold bottle. Eggsy eyed it, and her, and decided that he'd switch out her next one for a water; it wasn't that he wasn't sympathetic to her plight, but he knew his sister, and so was aware that she was most likely being overdramatic. "He thinks I'm a jumped up slag and not at all classy and he'll never want to talk to me again!"

With a quiet sigh, Eggsy pointed out, "Rox, 'e got yer numbah because ya was drunk as a skunk and wrote it wiv a Sharpie on 'is arm. I don't really fink he's gonna drop ya jus' because ya suggested some dirty talk." For once, Eggsy was the voice of reason, and it made his skin jitter a little bit. He wasn't used to being the reasonable one in their relationship, much less the sober one.

She whined a little, burying her head in her arms with a resounding _thunk._ "Why does everything have to be so haaard?" she complained. "This is why I only ever go with uni folks; they don't expect me to be super suave and I don't have to worry about impressing them."

Eggsy pointed out, "But the fac' that ye're tryin' so 'ard mus' mean ye fink 'e's worf the effor', yeah?"

Roxy glared at him for a moment. "Since when are you so reasonable? I hate it. Go back to the brother that bitches with me about dumb boys. Right now."

He laughed. "No can do, Rox. I fink this one might be good fer ya. Ye jus' 'ave ta be willin' ta work at it."

She narrowed her eyes at him, then stood up and flounced off to her room, huffing the whole way. "I hate when you're right, have I mentioned that?"

He didn't respond, but he grinned when he heard her barely muffled squeal seconds later. _He must have finally texted back,_ Eggsy reasoned.

* * *

 **Text to Roxy:** My apologies, I've been arse deep in bank transactions and everything went tits up just as you made your delightful proposition.

 **Text to Roxy:** Trust me, nothing would please me more.

 **Text to Baldie:** I bet the banks r loving the thorough anal inspections eh?

 **Text to Roxy:** Not exactly. I would say this is only mildly less difficult than pulling teeth with a string and a doorknob.

 **Text to Baldie:** U must hav siblings 2. Mum caught me tryin that with Eggs 1ce. She wasnt impressed

 **Text to Roxy:** Two older sisters; both of them thought it might be fun to see if my front teeth would come out at the same time.

 **Text to Roxy:** They weren't loose.

 **Text to Baldie:** I snorted. I shouldnt hav but i did.

 **Text to Baldie:** They sound ... Nice?

 **Text to Roxy:** Be honest.

 **Text to Roxy:** I already know they were unholy terrors, trust me.

 **Text to Baldie:** Eggs and i were each others throats a lot as teens but we still loved eachother

 **Text to Roxy:** Is it odd, both of you being adopted?

 **Text to Baldie:** Nah, just lets us kno how lucky we r. We could hav it a lot wors, trust me

 **Text to Roxy:** I find you inexplicably intriguing.

 **Text to Baldie:** is that a good thing?

 **Text to Roxy:** Very much so. I plan to spend a lot of time getting to know you.

 **Text to Baldie:** in mor than 1 sense i hope ;)

 **Text to Roxy:** Most definitely. Unfortunately, I have to get back to work. I'll text you later?

 **Text to Baldie:** not if i txt u first :p

 **Text to Baldie:** ttyl :*

* * *

 **One more chapter to go after this! (Not that anyone is going to have to wait for the last chapter. Unless my internet freakishly goes out or something in the next fifteen minutes.)**


	5. In Which They Finally Get Their Shit Tog

V.

 **Text to FoxyRox:** i want u 2 no that i h8 u

 **Text to FoxyRox:** and im eatin the last of ur ice cream

 **Text to FoxyRox:** bcuz i h8 u and ur a loudmouth

 **Text to FoxyRox:** jesus h CHRIST bite a pillo or sumthin

 **Text to FoxyRox:** fuk u

 **Text to FoxyRox:** i hope he runs out of viagra soon

 **Text to FoxyRox:** and his doc wont refill his rx

 **Text to FoxyRox:** and u can never hav sex again

 **Text to FoxyRox:** THERE R SUM THINGS I DONT NEED 2 NO BOUT U ROX

 **Text to FoxyRox:** txt me wen ur dun lettin him defile u

Having spent the last twenty minutes attempting to block out the noises coming from his sister's room, Eggsy had finally reached the end of his rope. Desperation led him out the door of his flat and over to Harry's, where he paused for a moment before knocking. _This might be a bad idea,_ he thought. _Or it might not._

Harry answered the door looking just as frazzled as Eggsy felt, and before he could say anything, Eggsy blurted, "Please come ge' tea wiv me so's I 'ave an excuse ta get ou' the 'ouse. I'm _beggin'_ , guv!"

Harry didn't hesitate, nodding frantically as he agreed, "Yes, for the love of the Queen, get me out of here!" Apparently the thin walls had gotten to him too.

Harry grabbed his umbrella, making Eggsy wonder if hearing his sister shag Harry's friend had completely drowned out the sound of rain; his expression must have shown some sort of confusion, because Harry spoke as though answering a question. "A gentleman is always prepared. And given that it's a London summer, I find it likely it will rain before the afternoon is out."

Eggsy had to admit he had a point. London weather was notoriously fickle.

* * *

Fifteen minutes later, they were ensconced in a booth, cupping mugs in their hands and looking anywhere but at each other. Eggsy would sneak a peek out of the corner of his eye every so often and so would Harry, but they both kept missing each other; when this had gone on for so long that it was practically comedic, Eggsy cleared his throat and bit the bullet. "So … You's really a copper?" He wanted to take the words back as soon as they left his mouth, but it was too late.

Harry looked a bit uncomfortable, but he nodded. "Yes. Well, a detective these days, not a street bobby like I presume you're imagining."

"Then 'ow the 'ell did ye manage ta ge' shot?" he blurted incredulously, again not thinking or filtering.

Harry winced, then shrugged, trying to play it off. "Well, actually, I was stabbed, and it's much easier than you would think. I'm a Homicide Investigator, you see." He seemed extremely uncomfortable, and Eggsy immediately felt bad.

"Sorry fer pryin', guv. Don' mind me, me ma says me mouth jus' runs away wiv me." He hunched his shoulders up by his ears and resolutely stared at his teacup, feeling like a proper pill. Why had he thought having a crush on this sophisticated bloke was a good idea, again? He couldn't manage to say anything right, and they were only trying to get past the awkwardness of hearing their loved ones shag!

"No, no, it's perfectly alright," Harry assured him. "It's just … it's a mildly embarrassing story, that's all. It doesn't show me at my best." His cheeks tinged a bit pink, which Eggsy found adorable, and he continued, "I wasn't even on duty, was the thing. I was on the other side of London, visiting Merlin, and I had stopped into one of the local shops for some brew. We were just supposed to be having a night in, and I managed to get involved in a robbery and take a knife between the ribs. He hasn't let me live it down yet." Harry chuckled ruefully. "I don't think he'll let it die completely until I'm fit for duty again, but that should be soon."

Eggsy looked at Harry, mouth slightly open. "So, ye're embarrassed because ya managed ta stop a robbery in yer off time? Not ta offend ya or nothin', guv, but ye sound like a proper 'ero an' all! Ain't nuffink to be embarrassed wiv, s'far as I can see."

Harry's cheeks turned even pinker, and he took a large gulp of tea, only to splutter as it scalded his tongue. "Oh, bollocks!" he exclaimed, shocking Eggsy a bit; proper gents didn't use language like that. He revised his mental image of the mysterious Harry Hart to include a bit of a rough side.

Eggsy found he quite liked the idea, and had to bury his face in his own teacup or reveal pink cheeks and dilated pupils.

"I'm not a hero, Eggsy," murmured Harry. "I'm not anyone special at all. Now your parents, who adopted two at-risk children? They're the real heroes. Tell me more about that. What was it like to be adopted?"

Eggsy shrugged, not liking having the spotlight on him. "It was hard at firs'. I was a righ' terror, hated everyone and everythin'. They adopted me when I was older, see, and I ain't make it easy on 'em. Kicked and screamed me fool 'ead off them firs' few months. Refused ta wear the fancy outfits and go ta the fancy school Rox went ta; I'd act like I was goin' then sneak off ta my old neighbourhood. It was really me friends Jamal 'n Ryan what got me 'ead out me arse. They was always talkin' 'bout 'ow lucky I was ta get ou' the council estates an' all. I tol' 'em I ain't feel lucky and they kicked the shit ou' o' me till I said I'd go 'ome and apologise ta the Mortons." Eggsy addressed the story to his mug, not wanting to see whatever sort of pity Harry might be displaying.

"There are many kinds of strength, Eggsy," Harry said softly, reaching his hand out to clasp over top of one of Eggsy's. "One is being able to admit when you're wrong. It's an admirable trait."

Eggsy's lips quirked up, and he broke the serious tension with a question. "Wanna know how I got the nickname?"

"Goodness, yes," Harry agreed easily, sitting back in his chair; the smile on his face told Eggsy he knew he hadn't been brushed off, and would wait as long as it took.

"Alrigh', so it starts wiv a dare, yeah…"

* * *

Almost an hour later, the two were still going strong, laughing and sharing stories like new friends should. If, occasionally, Eggsy's eyes lingered on Harry's throat when he threw his head back to laugh, or Harry's hand brushed over Eggsy's fingertips for just a touch longer than was socially acceptable, well, no one was there to call them on it. And they were both grown, legal adults who could make their own decisions.

The pair didn't even remember that they had basically been evicted from their respective flats until they got simultaneous text messages.

 **Text to EggHead:** were dun for now. it was gr9

 **Text to EggHead:** u better not hav eaten my ice cream bitch

 **Text to The Cunt:** Did you finally pull your head out of your arse and make nice with the boy?

 **Text to The Cunt:** Because otherwise we'll go for round two. Roxy is VERY flexible.

Eggsy smirked at his phone, while Harry scowled at his. "The absolute nerve of that man," he muttered to himself, sliding his phone back in his pocket without replying.

"Who, the bald bloke?" Eggsy asked distractedly as he typed.

 **Text to FoxyRox:** i did eat it. all of it. it was delish

 **Text to FoxyRox:** and then i went 4 t with posh spice

 **Text to EggHead:** finally. u finally talked 2 him. now i can start goin 2 merlins place 2 shag

 **Text to FoxyRox:** i really h8 u sum times, u no that

"Yes," Harry answered, a fond smile flickering across his lips before he renewed his scowl. His phone chirped again, and he sighed, but didn't ignore it.

 **Text to The Cunt:** I already pulled his background for you. Interesting lad. It's under your mattress, where any self-respecting bloke keeps his wank bank. I may have started yours for you with that report.

That made Harry curious - not that he planned to, as Merlin had so crassly put it, 'wank' over Eggsy's personal file; but, he had to admit Merlin knew him well, even his kinks and interests.

"Let me walk you home," Harry offered, standing up and looking out the window. With a small smirk, he added, "After all, I'm the only one with an umbrella."

It had started raining.

Eggsy had a competence kink a mile high and Harry hit every notch on the way up. Swallowing, he nodded. "I'd appreciate it."

In his pocket, his phone buzzed, as did Harry's.

* * *

 **Text to EggHead:** u dont h8 me. im gettin u laid

 **Text to EggHead:** well and merlins helpin

 **Text to The Cunt:** You're welcome, Harry Hart.

 **Text to The Cunt:** Don't come over to my flat after you're done reading that. I'll be otherwise entertained.

 **Text to The Cunt:** You'll just have to release the excitement on its actual target for once.

* * *

Three hours later, a startled Eggsy was being pulled into a brisk snog by a _very_ hot and bothered Harry Hart.

He didn't complain.

 _ **fin**_

* * *

 **I want everyone reading to know that I purposefully left the information about what was inside Eggsy's dossier out of the fic! That way, you can all imagine it was your own particular headcanon for the couple - and I'd love to hear all about what everyone thinks could get the unflappable Harry Hart so flustered!**

 **Thanks for reading!**


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